***5/29/2006 ***
***UPDATE AT BOTTOM***
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
WPIC called today and said they might have a bed
available either tonight or tomorrow. How the hell am I suppose to get
there?!?!?! It’s 250+ miles away. Dad went home and I don’t know anyone
who would be willing to drive me on such short notice. I guess whatever
Karen sent them moved me to the top of the waiting list, because when I
originally talked to Diane, she said mid-August. At least if I go now,
I'd have almost a month before classes start and could sign myself out
if need be so I can start college on time. I haven’t even been to the
Cleveland Clinic Foundation for the physical, that was suppose to be
Monday. Diana, my dance instructor, was going to take me.
I went to Fashion Bug to buy some things, told Molly
what is going on and that I will let her know as soon as I know
something. When I got home there was a message from Stacia saying that
the Red Cross could take me on Monday to the physical. So either way,
I’ll have to call Stacia and tell her I don’t need transportation
Monday.
WPIC called back and said I need to be there tonight
to get a bed. I called around for about 2 hours and obviously couldn’t
find anyone to take me to Pittsburgh on such short notice. I did
however find out, thanks to Jackie, that Greyhound leaves at 5:25 am
tomorrow morning. So I called WPIC back and asked if I could come
tomorrow. She said that she would do everything possible to try to hold
the bed for me and would call me if something changes.
Yes, that’s the short version and doesn’t adequately
explain how much stress and hassle this all was. I called multiple
people asking for rides and such and am very stressed and don’t want to
believe this is all happening. I have so many things to do and
need to get so money to take with me to pay for the bus and a taxi when
I get there.
I’ll have to get a hold of Kenyon somehow and make
arrangements if I don’t get out in time and that thought just makes me
so mad. I also am going to be missing Alisha’s baby shower, which
saddens me. I’m so incredibly stressed. There’s no way I’m sleeping
tonight. I think I’m still in denial.
I’ve emailed dad a list of things to do referring to
Kenyon. I’ll leave aunt a list of numbers in case she needs to fax
something. I have more people to call still but I have got my birth
control pills and cash for the road. Don’t know if they’ll let me take
my BC pills, but I have them if they will.
Diana said she will take me, and Jackie said she
will as well. I guess they’re fighting over it, but one of them is
going to take me, I know that much. Diana said to tell Jackie that she
was taking me and not to call and argue again. Well Jackie called Diana
and Jackie won, She is picking me up at 4 am tomorrow. Man that’s early
and I still haven’t packed yet, and it’s about 7 pm. Geeze.
It’s a little after 8:30 pm and I am all packed and
ready. I have two bags (my dance bag and my baton bag) as well as my
little bookbag and Huggy to carry on with me. I’m worried someone will
take Huggy while I am there and I will go nuts. I got him when mommy
died and it would kill me to lose him. I hope my luggage doesn’t get
lost on the way either.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Well, when I got to Mansfield, the bus was full so I
came home. Very mad I might add. The bus driver was very rude to Jackie
and I. I might write a letter and complain to Greyhound about it. They
shouldn’t treat people like that. Jackie had suggested he recount the
people on his bus and he was like “I know how many people are on MY
bus.” What a jerk.
After all my work to get the information, to get a
ride, etc. All gone, just like that. I wanted to cry, but I
didn’t. Called Diane, told her what was going on and she said she’ll
try to hold the bed for me. She seemed kind of in shock that they over
booked though the driver said it happens all the time.
Got home and went to Greyhound’s website. They have
a bus leaving from Columbus at 11 am. I called Diana and she said that
Jackie had just told her what happened. She said she’d give me a ride
to Columbus. I just hope that there is a spot on the bus for me once I
get there. This is really stressful.
We were on our way to Columbus and Diana got a voice
mail from Diane for me to her ASAP as she had to tell me something
important. Well, the something important was to go home and go to Knox
Community Hospital to get labs and an EKG done. Diana called Diane and
asked if we could do it at Children’s Hospital since we were already in
Columbus.
While we were waiting for a call back, we went to
Bob Evan’s. I ordered biscuits and sausage gravy with lemonade to
drink. The lemonade was really bad and the biscuits and gravy made me
really nauseated. Then, I was telling Diana about how low potassium
levels could keep me out of IP. Then she asked me if I wanted a banana
and I said I guess so. I tried to eat some but I just felt so sick. I
only ate very little.
We waited in the parking lot for the call from Diane
and I must have looked really bad, as I felt like shit. Diana kept
telling me it was going to be okay and not to worry. She would ask me
if I felt any better and I’d say no. I’d try to go to sleep, but I just
couldn’t.
When it came down to it, Children’s Hospital wasn’t
going to do the labs. I guess someone said the Ogles had to order the
labs for it to get done. So I get home, call the Ogles and they said to
go ahead to the ER. I call Diana back and ask her to take me. Before
she gets here, Ogles call back and said I need to go back to Children’s
Hospital for the labs. There was no way I was going back there. After
fussing with them, they say they can’t order the labs on short notice
and I’d have to come in for a visit, etc.
In the meantime, I had called aunt and told her to
meet me at the ER. When I get the call from the Ogles saying it’s not
going to happen, I try to call her at work, but she’s left already. Try
to get a hold of her at the ER, she’s not in the waiting room. So I
have Diana go and tell her to come home
So, I lay down feeling like I just wish I would have
never told anyone anything. I’m crying hysterically and just NOT
wanting to go through anymore crap to get to IP. I get a call from
Diane around 2:30 telling me to go to Knox Community ER, give them her
pager, and she’ll get the labs done and suggest that they do and ER to
ER transfer in a squad.
Six hours later, labs are done, the doctor has
called me “skin and bones,” and my right arm is painfully sore from
having a needle poked around it, and I’m freezing from being in an
over-air conditioned room. My labs are normal. I get home, yes home,
because I’m not in medical danger so ER to ER transfer isn’t justified.
I call Diane who says the ER was supposed to fax my results to the WPIC
so they could discuss it. Even though I had a ride to Columbus tomorrow
morning and could have been at WPIC around noon, she tells me to wait
until she calls me, after 9 am when she gets in, and can talk to people
about what to do. Since they doesn’t have my lab results, technically
they can’t admit me.
Did I mention all of this was on about one hour
sleep? The first “meal” I ate today, I don’t really count the Bob
Evans, was a tiny thing of mac and cheese that was 290 calories.
I am exhausted and sore. I’m going to bed.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I went to bed around 11 pm last night and the phone
woke me up at 7:30 this morning. It was Aunt’s work asking if she was
coming in today, which she isn’t. I went back to sleep and was awaken
at 10 am by Diane asking me to fax her the lab results, which I had dad
do.
I had just lay down again when Diana called asking
whether or not I would need her for transportation today and I told her
I didn’t know yet. When we got off the phone, Diane called back and
said not to come today because I wouldn’t get there until night and
what needed to be done can only be done in the mornings so I called
Diana back and told her to go about her day.
Diane called me back again and asked me to have
Stacia call her so they could figure out transportation to get me
there. When Stacia called me back I filled her in on what was going on
and my lack of transportation. She talked to her supervisor, Leigh, and
called me back telling me she is on her way to pick me up to take me to
the bus station. I was to spend the night in a hotel and walk to WPIC
in the morning. Finally, a PLAN!!!!!
Stacia drops me off at the bus station because she
has to be back to Moundbuilders at a certain time. I don’t know what
they did with her patients during the time she was driving me there and
then driving back. While at the bus station I called aunt, dad, and
Diana to let them I was okay. I already have a hotel room booked less
than a half mile away from WPIC.
The bus ride was pretty good. A gentleman sat next
to me. He was going from L.A. to Philadelphia. This was his third and
final day on the bus. We talked a little about the scenery, college,
and life in general. He was really nice.
In Cambridge, Ohio we stopped at McDonalds, which
was right next to the station, and I got medium fries which were nice
and hot. Steubenville was really pretty with mountains like New Haven
had. Beautiful rocks. It’s also on the Ohio River which I always enjoy
seeing.
Coming into Pittsburgh was beautiful! I saw Heinz
field. I also saw Point State Park which the “point” is where the Ohio,
Allegheny, and Monongahela Rivers all meet. The skyline is beautiful as
well.
When I got to the station I asked for help in
finding a taxi and they walked me to one. The driver was very nice and
it was it first day on the job. We passed the University of Pittsburgh
on the way to the Holiday Inn and it’s really pretty.
The hotel is nice. I have a queen size room. I
checked out the fitness room, bought a teddy bear, disposable camera
for the trip home, a souvenir t-shirt, and some other stuff as well. I
was thirsty and bought some milk. It hit the spot. Tried a few proteins
bars but didn’t like them. They had the kind I do like so I bought some
to take back with me.
Friday July 29, 2005
The hotel stay was nice. I took a nice
relaxing shower last night and again this morning. I called Diane
to get directions to WPIC and decided it was close enough to walk.
When I checked out of the hotel I asked for
directions to WPIC and they even highlighted a map for me. The walk was
pretty nice. Pretty scenery and architecture. It didn’t take long to
walk their either. My purple bag from baton bruised my shoulder.
Registration was quick and easy. Then I signed some
paperwork with Diane. After that I answered some questions about my
eating habits: history, weight, medical history, etc.
I also saw a dietician and they are starting me at
1200 calories a day, which is double, sometimes triple which I normally
eat. Also I saw a social worker, cried about New York. I saw a nurse
who took height: 5'1.25", weight: 39.9 kg, vitals, etc.
For lunch I had a chicken sandwich, lemonade, and a
spinach salad. For a snack I had graham crackers, two lemonades, and
water. For dinner I had some cauliflower and broccoli and about 40% of
a veggie sandwich.
I’ve been drinking so much and I can’t go pee. I
don’t even know if I went this morning. I think I’ve cried so much over
this. We’re supposed to pee in this hat thing. I’ve never been bale to
pee in one of these things.
I got a lot of paper work today that explains ,
rules, plans, etc. I feel so out of place here. Everyone looks so
skinny and I look like an elephant in comparison. I hate it. I don’t
belong here. I’m not that size.
They said I was 79% of my ideal weight and for
discharge they want me to be 85-90% of my ideal weight. My ideal weight
is 108-112 lbs. That seems like so much. I look huge in the upper 80's.
I can’t imagine the hundreds.
Another snack I had was a banana and orange juice. I
was finally able to go pee and they were still make me drink water like
every hour and I keep peeing it out. I guess it’s a good thing, even if
it wasn’t in the hat.
My blood pressure was 132/102 with a temperature of
100.2 when I went from sitting to standing. I think my blood pressure
was 118/92 sitting, but I’m not sure.
Everyone here is really nice, staff and girls as
well. They are really supportive and helped me through my “pee crisis.”
It’s a very relaxed unit. The toilets are neat. They flush with a key
after they check them. It just amuses me.
I called dad twice. The first time we cried. Me
because of stress and missing him, and him pretty much for the same
reasons. I gave him the payphone number here and the addresses. I told
him to call aunt and give her the address too.
I miss familiarity so much. Scared of eating so much
tomorrow and worried about how much I ate today. My blood pressure was
better tonight, 110/80 standing. They have stopped forcing water on me.
My temperature is still high, 99.9.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
I woke up around 6 am. I tried to pee and poop
before being weighed, but I couldn’t. I weigh 40.4 kgs. I’m so stressed
and frustrated with not being able to pee or poop, which is just making
it worse. I get so nervous before I go because 1) I’m nervous I will
pee and it not go in the hat or 2) I will pee and not use the hat and
therefore feel guilty.
I feel so weak for not being able to do things (i.e.
pee) that others are doing without a problem. Why is it so hard for me?
Why can’t I just relax. I’m still not sure why I’m here. I feel so out
of place.
Breakfast was okay. I had cheerios, half cup of
milk, and a half cup of orange juice. I felt really sick afterwards.
Eating just makes me so nauseated. I guess it will get easier. At least
I hope it gets easier.
I peed in the hat!! And I pooped too, but not a lot.
I peed a lot though and man do I feel better,. Everyone is so happy for
me. It feels really good to get such support even for something as
simple as peeing. They also tell about how I’m doing great with the
eating and everything. Nothing but support here.
Lunch was okay. I still felt nauseated from
breakfast. I’m not used to eating with so little time in between. If
you don’t finish everything, it’s considered restricting, no matter
what the reason is.
I guess at self select, one of the self selectors
peeled off the bruised part of a banana, even though it wasn’t a lot,
they considered it restricting and the poor girl was crying for awhile.
Really pissed most of us off.
After lunch, I pooped and peed (yes, in the hat). I
think I’m getting the hand of it now. Even though part of me things I’m
just going along with everything to get out of here ASAP, part of me is
enjoying the learning experience and being with others like myself.
Snack was okay. I had a banana and a piece of bread.
I also had some water. Peeing has become easier. I had to force it a
couple of times, but after dinner, and two cups of water as well as
milk, it came naturally. It felt so good.
Back to dinner. I had butter on bread, peanut butter
on bread and carrots, as well as what’s mentioned above. The two things
of peanut butter, though they looked small, are VERY filling and
sticky. I was gagging on the combination of that and fluid. I feel a
bit better now, almost an hour later.
Can you believe it?? I’ve almost had 1200 calories
today. Yes, I’ve felt sick since breakfast, yes, I’m miserable, but,
I’m doing it. I guess in the back of my mind, I know I can always go
back to restricting.
I went to mass today. More to get off the unit than
to hear anything, though the morals they teach are good in a way. It
was nice to be on the “outside” and be kind of free for a change. Most
exercise I’ve gotten since I’ve been here.
Well, after dinner snack is done. I’ve had
approximately 1200 calories today. I still feel nauseated, but I know
it will get worse before it gets better. On Tuesday, it gets up to 1400
and I’m scared. I haven’t ate this often, this consistently for months,
maybe years.
I called aunt and dad tonight. It feels good to talk
to them, just to hear their voice. My aunt sounded so worried about me.
With I could make her believe I am okay here. She got my graduation
pictures and Kenyon mail.
At the beginning of each day, we all make individual
goals for ourselves. My goal today was to eat 100% and to relax, and I
accomplished both of them.
Every evening after dinner, we have wrap up. We
state out goals, whether or not we achieved them and what our high was
for the day. Everyone was so supportive/congratulatory when I said I
accomplished them. I said my high for today was being able to relax and
finally go pee.
Marissa, one of the girls here, has been in and out
of treatments. She broke down today and cried, cussing out staff. She’s
frustrated she has to go to a RTF (Residential Treatment Facility)
after she leaves WPIC on the 8th. Maggie and I talked to her and helped
calm her down. It felt good to be able to help.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I woke up at 4 am and had to pee really bad. Then I
slept until the nurse woke me up for weigh in. I weighed 40.6 kgs, then
after peeing/pooping, I weighed 40.5 kgs. Not a big difference. I
usually lose about a half pound to a pound when I go. Oh well. Maybe I
can get out sooner.
Played Skip Bo with Marissa. We started yesterday
and are still playing. It’s a lot of fun, especially when on c/o
(constant observation) time or when others are exercising. It’s also
just nice to talk to someone who understands.
My goal for the day is to start the COPE Anorexia
Workbook, which I haven’t done yet and it’s about 1 pm. I am just in
denial about this whole anorexia thing. I feel so fake and so fat,
especially compared to some, okay most of the others.
Lunch was okay. I’m getting a lot more nauseated
today than yesterday. My body just isn’t used to eating so often, so
regular, and more importantly, SO MUCH!! I feel so incredibly sick
right now.
My blood pressure this morning was 113/80 with a
temperature of 99.3, same as last night. They said with the exception
of the slight fever, everything is normal. I wish the fever would go
down.
I called dad this morning and talked some. I told
him that I only need to gain five more pounds until I”m at 85% of that
expected and how I hope to be out soon. I also said if college is
almost starting and I wasn’t out, I’m going to sign myself out. But
I”ll make that decision later. College isn’t until the 25th so I have a
while.
Snack was okay. Still feeling sick after eating. I
wish that the nauseated feeling would go away. I just want to do
what they want and get out. I’m not concerned with anything else.
Dinner was okay as well. I tried to eat as fast as I
could so I could just finish and have more time to digest before snack.
I was actually still hungry after dinner, a VERY unusual occurrence. I
will have to tell the dietician tomorrow.
I called dad again and talked to for a few. I tried
to call aunt but there was no answer. Hopefully I will get a chance to
call again later tonight. Maybe she’ll be home then.
I’m feeling kind of down right now. Most of the
other patients have visitors (family and/or friends) and I obviously
don’t. I feel so lonely and all alone.
Just as I finished the above paragraph, one of the
staff, Lauren C, came to chat. We talked about my therapist and how I’m
confused about why I’m here. We also talked about my being lonely with
the visitors here. No only the fact there are visitors and I don’t have
any, but I don’t have anyone, family or friends, to visit me. I fell so
alone and on my own.
I’m glad Lauren came to talk when she did. I was
crying to begin with and felt good to get it. I also told her about
feeling hungry. I wish I could have more to eat, but I’m scared as well.
Snack was okay. I just wish there was more of it. I
can’t tell if I’m actually hungry or if my body is getting “normal”
again so it just feels hungry because of how long I’ve been
restricting.
We watched a show called “Intervention” and it’s
about people with addictions whose family and/or friends have set up
intervention without the persons’ knowledge. One of them was anorexic
and gained 17 lbs, from 93 lbs to 110 lbs at 5'6. She looked much
healthier. I hope I look healthier when I gain and not fat.
Monday, August 1, 2005
I started my period today so my weight went down to
40 kgs. exactly, 88.8 lbs. I’m so scared of gaining but I guess I know
it needs done. My blood pressure was 99/70 standing. The lowest I’ve
ever seen it for me.
Breakfast went good. I was still hungry afterwards,
but I think I’m going to feel hungry for awhile, until my body
normalizes. I went to the bathroom afterwards. It seems like all I do
here is eat and go tot he bathroom.
My goal for today is to start working on the Denial
part of the anorexia workbook. I’m really struggling with the idea that
I have a problem serious enough to need IP. Maybe after today and
working in the book that can change some. Right now I feel like I’m
just going through the motions. Not wanting to believe I am “that bad.”
Yesterday I forgot to write about the bracelets.
After wrap up, Melanie told us that her mom had made us (hand made) all
bracelets. I picked one that has metallic beads on it. It’s really
pretty. I”m planning on wearing on wearing it everyday for awhile to
remind me of my struggle and recovery. When I start to relapse I’ll
look at it and remember COPE.
I finished the denial part of the workbook without
much change in attitude. I might talk to staff and see if they have any
other packets for denial. I know I won’t really recover until I believe
I have some problem to recover from. I just don’t want to waste my time
here.
I met with team. I asked them if I could get
something soft, like an egg crate mattress, for my bed and they’d said
they’d order one up. I’m also allowed to shower at night since I have
no history of purging. No more morning hassle!! I should also be able
to continue taking my birth control pills since they help my acne.
I also met with the nutritionist and upped my
calories more quickly since I’m feeling hungry. We upped them to 1400
today. Though it will be just shy of that since we changed it after
breakfast and lunch. I will be going to 1600 on Wednesday then
increasing every three days, depending on how I feel.
I got to go outside today. That’s really exciting
because I haven’t been outside since Friday. No everyone gets to go
outside. It depends on how much progress you’ve made and how you’re
cooperating. I was very surprised and excited when I was told I was
told I could go outside if I wanted to, even though it was only for 15
minutes.
Lunch and snack went well. I was still a bit hungry
after lunch, but not as hungry after snack. Hopefully dinner and other
snack will go well and I won’t be as hungry.
I can honestly say I’m excited about being here. No,
I don’t like it, but I think this structure, the demands, rewards, and
restrictions are good for me now and I know as I progress it will get
easier. I will get more privileges and less restrictions.
Dinner and snack went well. I wasn’t as hungry
afterwards since we upped the calories. Dinner filled me up but I’m
still a little hungry after snack. It’s not as bad tonight as last
night though. I never thought I’d be happy and wanting to up my
calories. I think that’s a good sign.
Tuesday, August 2, 2005
My weight is stable at 40 kgs. It would have been a
little lower if I would have pooped, but I didn’t, which I guess is
good because privileges can be taken away, My temperature is more
normal at 98.7 and my blood pressure (b/p) is 113/82, I think. Better
than yesterday.
Georgia got self select taken away at breakfast
yesterday because she had been losing weight. Even though they upped
her calories and she was eating 100%, they still took it away. I said
it was probably muscle weight because she was saying she used to
exercise here but doesn’t now. That’s just crap for taking away self
select if she’s eating.
Breakfast was good today. It’s only the three of us
now since the other six are on self select and Dee is in her wheelchair
in her room. It’s weird without Melissa here. She signed herself out
yesterday and is going to partial, at least she wants to. She threw up
a couple of days ago. She says IP is just too hard.
I imagine for a bulimic it would be very hard stop
purging overnight, which is basically what is expected here. All eating
disorder behavior is to stop upon arrival. I guess some need a more
gradual approach. This is working very well for me though and I’m glad.
Lunch was good. It was kind of difficult to eat it
all. I feel really sick and tired right now. They’re doing movement
therapy right now and I’m so glad I’m not moving at all. I just feel so
sick right now and I wish I could to bed and lay down, but I can’t.
At 2 pm there’s a body image group but I have a
family session on the phone with aunt. I really need the body image
group and I think I have the session with aunt every week. We’ll just
have to see how it goes.
So many people are discharged soon. Marissa, Tanja,
Julie, Georgia, and Mandy are leaving within the next week. It’s weird
because I thought/think that Julie is SOO much smaller than I am, but
she’s being discharged so she must be bigger, or at least at a higher
percentage so bigger proportionally. Same thing with Georgia who is
also leaving within the week.
The session on the phone went well with aunt today.
They explained where my weight was and they are looking at a discharge
date in about three weeks, which isn’t bad college wise. They also told
her about my weight and calories.
Dinner was hard. I feel/felt so very sick,
nauseated, tired, etc. I feel so weak and tired and my calories are
being upped to 1600 tomorrow. I hope I can handle it. Today has been
super hard on the eating front. Bad news is I have snack in about an
hour and a half.
I shouldn’t feel too bad. Maggie has been here since
May and is eating 3950 calories a day. I hope I never get up that high.
She is so tiny even on that amount of calories. She much have really
damaged her organs, other than her excretory ones. She’s been here to
WPIC before and knows more than the staff.
Snack was worse than dinner. I feel so incredibly
sick. Not to mention crampy and bloated. This is getting so hard and
tomorrow it get upped to 1600 and I’m worried about finishing in the
allotted time period.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
My temperature is back up to 99 again. I thought it
was going to go down, but I guess not. My blood pressure standing was
105/73 or something like that. If my temp. would just go down and stay
down I’d be happier. My weight was 40.4 kgs.
As I said yesterday, I’m worried about eating 100%
in the given times today, really worried. I struggled yesterday and it
was1400, not 1600. I “know” I can do it, but the time limit worries me.
I guess we’ll see how it goes at breakfast.
Breakfast was better than I thought it would be, but
it’s still a small meal comparably. Not to mention I hadn’t ate in
almost twelve hours so I was hungry. I all my meals go as well as that
one did.
DBT group was interesting. We went over different
coping mechanisms and examples of when people used them. We al had a
nutrition group on protein that was VERY interesting, at least to me.
Lunch went pretty well, but it was hard to finish,
even though I finished in plenty of time. The quicker I finish, the
less actual C/O time I have. I still feel really sick and in some pain,
but I know it will pass.
Cognitive behavior group was also good. I really
like this approach to think and I do most of it anyway but learning the
correct way and more options is goos as well.
Today’s group was on distortions basically and how
to realize you are having them. Though that doesn’t solve it, it will
allow you to start the restructuring of your thoughts. I have a LOT of
restructuring to do!
Snack was okay. Easier than lunch, but I have dinner
and about an hour and a half afterwards, and then another snack. I’m
kind of worried about the rest of the day, especially with how bad I
felt after lunch. I guess we’ll have to see how it goes.
I met with one of the dieticians to plan my next two
calorie increases. One is Saturday and one is Tuesday, 1800 and 2000
calories respectively. I’m SOO incredibly scared. This is starting to
get really hard and physically uncomfortable. I know it’s something I
have to do though. I’ll just keep telling myself that.
I’m off the hat!! I’ve only been on it four whole
days so I must be very consistent in a good way. I like how you get
“rewarded” for doing well, even though the rewards are just privileges.
It feels good knowing I earned them, you know? I really think this is
the push I needed. The structure and system in general is really
working for me.
Carole, dad’s wife, had surgery today. I’m hoping to
be able to call soon and find out how it went. I also want to tell him
about the hat thing and my calories increasing. I just hope everything
went okay. Kind of nervous to call though in case it didn’t.
My goal this morning was to start the body image
part of the packet. It’s been interesting to do the activities and
think about my perception of myself. Hopefully that will start to
change some before I leave. I think that seeing people discharge who I
think are smaller than me, but know realistically they are at a higher
percentage, will/is helping.
Dinner went good. I was able to eat everything
without a big problem. I didn’t really like the roast beef that much
but I was able to eat it anyway. I feel a little nauseated but that’s
to be expected. I am proud that I was/am able to do it.
Snack was pretty good. Took me awhile to finish,
longer than it usual takes anyway. I just feel so sick afterwards. I
really like having the hot chocolate at night instead of at the 3 pm
snack. It relaxes me before bed, gets me warm, and tired.
I called aunt and dad after my shower. Carole’s
operation went okay. They had to take out part of the trachea so
tomorrow they are going to try to repair it. I hope everything goes
well again. She’s been through so much.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
My weight went down a bit overnight. It’s 40.2 kgs.
But it’s still pretty stable, between 39.9 kgs. When I first got here
and 40.5 kgs. A few days ago. My temp is 98.4 and my b/p standing in
86/67 and sitting was 95/73. Those are both really low.
My goal for today is to continue working in the
workbook and to use distractions such as reading or word finds when I
need to relax. I just hope everything goes well. No arguments like
yesterday.
Dad called and asked about the letters he sent and I
guess they called him back and told him the three letters he sent are
here. I haven’t gotten them yet but they’re here.
Team went well. They commented on my wearing my grey
thing and I told them how I was hot when eating and cold a few minutes
after finishing. They also said I might be able to start self select
Tuesday because my weight is 80% and my calories will be 2000 on
Tuesday. I know that means I have to keep my weight up and keep doing
good like I have been.
Breakfast went pretty well. I was still a little
hungry afterwards though. My goals for today is to continue working in
the wordbook and to use distractions when I get stressed/anxious.
During recreational therapy we played called “Hoy.”
We shuffled two decks together and we all got an equal amount of cards.
Then the person drew from the third deck. If our cards matched we put
them down. The first person with no cards won. I didn’t win any of the
games.
Lunch was hard. I felt really sick afterwards. Super
dizzy as well. We have movement therapy after lunch, which I didn’t
participate in. When my c/o time was over, I laid down.
I got mail today! Four letters from Bob, a guy from
one of my ED groups online. I was only expecting three letters from
dad, so to get more was a great surprise.
I ended up sleeping until snack, which I didn’t mean
to. I was still really dizzy. I wish it would go away. Snack was okay.
It was just about the right about. I’m worried about dinner in about an
hour though.
I wrote Bob back. I’ll have to figure out how to
send mail as I didn’t think to bring any envelopes with me. I’ll never
be able to explain how much getting an “outside” letter meant to me. I
was so surprised and it really made me feel like others care about me.
Dinner was hard. I got vegetable soup along with
chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, saltines, and milk. The soup was
really filling and I was really nauseated afterwards.
A little while after I stopped/finished I started
feeling less nauseated but MUCH MORE dizzy and disoriented. I don’t
understand why though. I wish I felt better physically. I’m so sick of
feeling sick and dizzy and all the time.
I relaxed in my bedroom and read a chapter in “Atlas
Shrugged.” I really like that book. Then I called aunt and dad.
Carole’s trachea reconstruction is postponed until Monday to give her
time to recover from the first operation. Dad said it doesn’t look goo
either way. I had him update Diana today and he mailed my tuition check
with was under $700.
Friday, August 5, 2005
I got up a little before 6 to go pee and they just
weighed me then and I was 40.7 kgs, getting closer to that 85%. My
temperature was 98.6 and my b/p sitting was 108/75 and standing was
102/71. Better than yesterday but I still wake up dizzy and disoriented.
Breakfast was okay. Nothing special. I was/am
freezing. Everyone else is hot and I’m freezing. I can’t wait until my
metabolism picks up and I’m not cold all the time. I don’t have
anything really warm here.
I got some internet time today. I emailed dad as
well as ABCD. Dad thinks the group will be happy to hear from me
instead of just about me from him. I was going to check my Kenyon email
but couldn’t remember the password. When I called dad, he told me.
Tanja is leaving today. That is going to be tough. I
mean, she is so nice and her and Maggie are really close. Marissa,
Georgia, Mandy, and Julie are all leaving Monday. It’s going to be
empty here if they don’t get some more people.
Meeting with team today went okay. They told me to
slow down in the workbook and let staff look over it/go over it with
me. After my talk with Melissa last night, she took it to go over/make
comments, etc. I like the workbook but I’ve done most of the activities
before so it seems repetitive.
Maggie surprised all of us and is leaving today as
well. I overheard some talk about it yesterday, but wasn’t sure. I have
her address and email so I can keep in touch. It’s REALLY not going to
be the same without her.
Two new arrivals came today. One is Megan, who is my
new roommate. The room Mandy and I share is being given to the other
new arrival, Julie, who is in a wheelchair. So Mandy is in with Georgia
and I’m moving to Tanja and Melissa’s old room which is now empty.
So much change, four move leaving on Monday. Both
Tanja and Maggie are gone now. It feels so weird without then here. And
to think four more people are leaving Monday. I wonder if I will cry or
not. I’m hoping I don’t just because I’m not usually emotional.
Saturday, August 6, 2005
Megan and I stayed up late last night talking about
things. It was nice to be able to talk to someone. We talked about what
it was like to be here and I tried to explain some things to her.
We also talked about how it was kind of hard with
the new Julie and her comments/questions related to weight. When she
first came in to dinner, she asked all of us how much we weighed and we
all just sat there.
I might talk to staff today about how hard it was
and my worry that today will be worse because not only does she seem to
eat with us, unlike Dee, but she talked about things, asks for more
good, cries, etc. It’s just hard to concentrate on eating with
distractions like that.
My weigh was down to 40.4 kgs. Again. But it’s
stable still. I also didn’t poop this morning so that could be
affecting it as well. My temperature was 98.7 and my b/p sitting was
101/74 and standing was 104/74.
Breakfast was okay, the calories didn’t change any
for that for that’s good. I felt so bad for Sarah as the new Julie kept
commenting on what and how she was eating. I tried to just ignore her
and not talk at all.
My goal for today is to relax about my calorie
increase (up to 1800 today), and to comfort myself by distraction,
realizing that this is for the best, and to just stay in the moment and
not worry about my next meal/snack. We’ll see how it goes.
Break fast was okay. The new Julie kept making food
related comments, usually directed at Sarah. I could tell Sarah was
upset about it, but I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t being
directed at me.
Lunch was even worse. She was dancing and moving
around in her chair and staff said nothing. There were still food
related comments even though before the meal Megan had asked
specifically for not food talk because it made her uncomfortable.
During my one on one time with Lauren, I told her
how it all was making me uncomfortable and making meal time very
stressed. She said she would be aware of it. I hope the last three
meals go better. I can’t deal with her and it’s making it hard to
concentrate on eating.
Snack was better. There were three staff in there as
well as everyone who had been at self select. She didn’t say any
comments to my knowledge, or at least none that I heard. I also wasn’t
sitting next to her which is good.
We got to go outside after snack. It was so nice to
be outside in the fresh air and just feel “normal” in a way. I wish we
went outside more often, but we don’t. When I get out, or go on my
eight hour pass, I want to spend a day outside, just because I
appreciate it more now.
Dinner and late snack were okay as well. Things are
better with more people and more staff here. We were joking about
telling people I was at “Camp COPE” which is the reason I”ll will be
late to college.
We watched “A Wal to Remember” tonight and I ate a
whole bag of popcorn. Just as I was finishing, Mandy asked to try some
and we laughed about my having ate the whole bag.
Aside from numerous Julie incidents,, today was a
good day. I managed my calorie increase well, and even ate more because
of the popcorn. I am really surprised and proud of myself for being
able to do it. Maybe this place is helping me more than I think it is.
I don’t know if I would have been able to eat 1800 calories and then
eat some popcorn a month ago. Moving in the right direction.
Sunday, August 7, 2005
Talking to aunt last night made me want to come
home. There is so much stuff for Kenyon I need to e doing/reading. I
fell so behind already and I’m not even there yet. If things keep
getting worse. I’ll sign myself out.
We got another new person last night. I think I
overheard staff calling her Teresa. Some of the girls were saying she
is from another floor and kind of crazy. I really can’t deal with all
this for much longer.
Weight is up to 40.9 kgs. Or almost 90 lbs. That
scares me. I don’t like seeing the numbers go up. But I did eat late
last night, all that popcorn and I haven’t pooped yet, though I doubt
that accounts for a whole pound. B/p sitting was 103/73 with 68 beats
per minute (bpm) and standing was 106/78 with 88 bpm. My temperature
was 98.5, it’s getting lower!
We had a dog come in today! It was a cute little
chubby Jack Russell Terrier. It really brightened my day to see and pet
and animal. I wish it could have stayed longer so we could play with it
more. It’s so comforting.
Right before the dog came, they were getting ready
to go upstairs to the gym. Lauren (one of the many Lauren’s) asked if
me if I wanted to come. I asked if I was allowed. I know it has
something to do with weight and progress. I was allowed to go upstairs
to the gym!
I basically volleyed the volleyball all the time we
were up there. My arms turned red but it was so much fun to just move
around. I had a lot of fun and look forward to exercising again soon.
They gym visit came at a perfect time. I was really
unhappy this morning with my weight gain and was feeling really down
and bad about myself. The gym “reward” made me realize that good things
are coming from gaining weight.
Tomorrow my goal is going to be to make a list of
rewards for myself when I do well eating/not over exercising. I think
that will give me incentive to keep it up after I leave. At least I
think it will.
Today’s goal is to accept the reality of needing to
be here. I know if I don’t do that things will spiral down again when I
leave because I don’t/won’t see it as a problem.
We had creative arts today and I made a collage
about happiness. It has some people smiling, a dog, and lots of little
blurbs. It was a lot of fun to do and I think every “keepsake” I get
from here I’m going to display somewhere in my college bedroom as a
reminder of where I was versus where I am. Hopefully there is a
positive difference.
Breakfast and lunch both went well. Julie isn’t
talking about food or weight anymore and we’ve had actual conversations
about college, traveling, etc. The atmosphere is a lot better in the
kitchen now and I’m very happy about that, as is everyone else I’m sure.
Snack was okay. I ate graham crackers, peanuts, and
apple juice. Every day at three that seems to be what I decide to get,
unless I get graham crackers and saltines instead of two servings of
graham crackers.
Dinner was okay. I have circled vegetable blend and
I got zucchini. I tried one and didn’t like it so I smothered them in
ketchup. It was still disgusting but I ate it anyway. Ketchup can cover
ANY flavor.
Snack was okay. I’m getting tired of graham crackers
though. Tomorrow I might get a rice krispie treat instead. That will
cut down my eating time as well as C/O time. Two birds with one stone.
I have everyone’s address who is leaving
tomorrow. It’s really going to be hard with four people leaving.
I feel so close to everyone and they’re leaving and I have to get used
to new people. I hope new people come soon. I don’t want to be so
lonely and only have seven people here total.
Monday, August 8, 2005
Weight was the exact same today, 40.9 kgs. I might
start stepping on backwards so I don’t see it and obsess over it.
Temperature was 99.3 and my b/p standing was 98/70 with 97 bpm and
sitting was 99/72 with 85 bpm. I’m dizzy today. I hope it goes away
soon. I hate weighing so much. I know I’m not gaining muscle so it has
to be fat.
Breakfast and lunch were okay. I’m getting more
hungry in between and after meals, which I guess is good. I just wish
we could exercise so I don’t lose all my muscle tone, but I guess I’ll
just have to start over again when I get to college.
For recreational therapy we decorated boxes which
was perfect because yesterday we made coping boxes without the boxes.
We just wrote down coping things, like journaling, on little slips of
paper and put them in a folder. It was perfect timing to make those
boxes today. It was a lot of fun to paint the box.
Out Medical Complications group was about
osteoporosis today and it was really interesting. Donette said probably
every one of us has osteopenia if not full blown osteoporosis. I still
am wanting a bone density scan. Maybe some day soon when I get out and
get settled in college.
After group, I went in my room to get ready to go
outside and I have FIVE letters!! Three from dad, one from Diana, and
one from Dorothy. That really made me day. I’ll have to write Dorothy
and Diana back. I talk to dad everyday so I won’t write him back.
We went outside and sat on the steps outside of
Peterson. I read my letters while I was outside and someone from the
ABCD group was saying I was inspirational to her. I don’t see myself
like that at all. I’m more like an inspiration of what not to do. Don’t
end up in the hospital, it sucks.
After three o’clock snack we got to go up to the gym
again. I really enjoy that a lot. I was volleying and managed to get
thirteen before I lost control. It feels really good to “work out” even
if it’s minor exercise like that.
I missed most of the Emotion Skills group because I
was on a tour of the hospital cafeteria. We go on so many elevators and
a tunnel to get there. It’s across the street at Presby’s cafeteria.
I’m nervous about starting self select tomorrow.
There is only 30 minutes to eat instead of 45, which I wasn’t aware of.
I’m worried about finishing in the time and choosing my own foods. It
sounds so incredibly scary to me.
I wrote letters to Diana and Dorothy and put them,
as well as the letter to Bob, in the box to be picked up tomorrow. I
really appreciate them taking the time to write me. It really cheers me
up.
Really worried about tomorrow. I am almost dreading
it. I am so worried about the whole self selection thing. I don’t know
why I’m so worried but I”m really stressed. The cafeteria is so big and
there isn’t going to be a lot of time to chose food.
All meals went well today. I’m worried about the
increase tomorrow as well as the self selection. I am proud of myself
for being able to eat so much. I hate my weight going up, but to stay
with all the privileges my weights has to stay up.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
Weight kind of went down, it’s 40.8 today, so not
much of a difference. My b/p sitting was 107/71 with 90 bpm and
standing was 100/71 with 109 bpm. My temperature today was 99.1, down a
bit from yesterday, which is too. I’ve never seen my bpm so high
before. They said it could be dehydration. I hope not.
I forgot to write that yesterday, during DBT
practice, we wrote haikus. One of mine, the one I though was really
dumb, everyone said was really good and inspirational:
sadness consumes us
the day looks bleak and hopeless
no way out but up
Self select went okay today at breakfast. It was a
lot easier than I thought it would be and I finished within the 30
minute time frame. I was really worried about the time limit thing, but
it wasn’t areal problem, for which I am thankful. I hope dinner goes
just as well as breakfast.
Team went good as well. We talked about my starting
self select and all the implications that has. I am now able to go on
outings on Fridays and my C/O time went down to 30 minutes! But it also
means I have to gain a kilogram, or about 2.2 pounds a week to keep
self select or I lose it and go back to the kitchen where I will get a
“potluck” meal for three days. This worries me because I can’t control
my weight gain and if I lose weight/self select, I might not like what
they bring me to eat.
We also talked about my “dizziness” or more like my
little white dots. Dr. Wilson said it sounded like anxiety related and
that given my history it isn’t surprising. She said it’s like a way of
“leaving” and I guess it makes sense since there was nothing medically
wrong with me when I got ir checked out.
I’ll probably start Prozac soon, which should help
with the anxiety and depression. Who knows, maybe the little white dots
will go away as well. I hope so because they are scary and stressful. I
hate feeling so disoriented.
Lunch was pretty good. By the time everyone was
finished, I only had about five minutes of C/O time left. I really like
only having a half hour, that’s really nice and convenient for HS snack
and showering.
I called aunt with the social worker, Stephanie, Amy
is on vacation, and it went okay. Talked about a possible visit that
last weekend for an eight hour pass and dinner or something. I hope
that can happen. It’d be really nice.
Snack was okay. I wish there was some consensus over
what my C/O time was. Some people are still putting an hour and others
a half an hour, depending on the staff. Team told me this morning it
was a half an hour, but I guess they didn’t write it down.
Dinner was pretty good as well. It’s really not as
stressful as I imagined. I eat faster and it feels better since staff
is eating with us and not just staring at us, watching is eat. That
makes it easier and more relaxed to me at least. It’s also nice to only
have a small group, Melanie, staff, and I, versus a large group in the
kitchen. I’m not as self conscious with fewer people.
I came back from dinner and Melissa is back. I
guess partial wasn’t working out for her. It’s good to see another
familiar dace around here. All these older people coming in and we had
some non-unit patients on the floor until beds opened up elsewhere in
the hospital. It’s been stressful for a couple of days. Hopefully
everything has settled down some.
We also have a new admit named Debbie and another
named Lesa. Lesa has been here before and is a friend of Maggie’s which
I think this is Debbie’s first admit. So many new people. It’s
definitely not the same anymore here.
Snack went well. I need to stop getting hot
chocolate at night because it takes so long to drink and my tongue in
burnt from it. Tomorrow my C/O time should go down to a half an hour
so I can shower earlier. It was a pretty good day all in all. I
even did laundry.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Weight was up today. Before I stepped on the scale,
I silently wished my weight was either stable or higher than it was
yesterday. Funny what self select does to a person. 41 kgs., 82%.
Vitals this morning: temp-98.9, b/p standing 113/84 with 101 bpm,
sitting 99/66 with 89 bpm. Not dizzy this morning either. Good so far!
Breakfast was good. I asked if we were allowed to go
over two exchanges like it says in the self select rules and the answer
was yes. So I had an extra starch and an extra fat. I was very content
with that amount. Kind of hard to finish the cereal, but I did it.
Team meeting was short. I’ll be starting Prozac soon
on a very low dose. They said it caused increased thoughts of suicide
in a small number of kids and just to be aware and tell staff if I
start to have changes in my thoughts. It has some other sides, but none
of them major. Dizziness nausea, etc. Nothing new.
Lunch was good. I finished in a timely manner and
felt pretty good afterwards. Megan had trouble finishing everything in
time and was really distressed about it. I tried to comfort her and
told her that they don’t expect us to be perfect. She did force herself
to finish all her fruit. Donette was in there and she is really
understanding.
Nutritional weights and measures was okay. She gave
us fake exchange cards and restaurant menus and we had to follow the
card to plan out meals. It was kind of weird and boring. The last thing
I want to talk about after lunch is food.
CBT group and snack was okay. I haven’t felt as
hungry today hopefully because of the increased breakfast. I’ll have to
remember that and do it again to see how it affects me. I like not
being hungry all the time though.
I started Prozac after 3 pm snack. Jan said it would
take three weeks or more to take effect. It normally takes three weeks,
but since my weight is “so low,” as she put it, it might (probably)
take longer. I would love to not feel so depressed and OCD-ish all the
time.
Dinner was good. One of the things I got was a
turkey burger with cheese. It was really good. The burger was a LOT
thicker than I’m used to, but it was still really good. I went over by
a starch, but only because I had to have something to put my butter on.
Snack is in an hour and a half and I’m still stuffed.
We have a new admit today named Aubrey. She has an
external feeding tube. I’d never really seen them before. She seems
comfortable with it so I suspect she’s had one for a while. She acts
like she is okay with it. I guess it works for her.
Snack was goo tonight. I didn’t have my hot
chocolate because it has burned my tongue and roof of my mouth. I
finished a lot faster without it though. I was off C/O at 9:13. That’s
a big change from almost 10 pm.
While taking a shower I realized how “soft” I’ve
become. I feel like I”m losing all my muscle tone. Now I’m even more
worried about what I actually look like now that I’ve become flabby and
out of shape. I hate not being to exercise. I am so anxious and feel
lazy and fat.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Weight was up again to 41.6 kgs., or about 91.52
lbs. 83% of expected. I’m nervous about the weight. I haven’t weighed
this much in over a year. It’s kind of scary for me. I”ll be at my goal
weigh at no time at this rate.
Vitals today: temp 98.2, b/p standing 104/75 with
105 bpm, b/p sitting 108/70 with 77 bpm. I’m worried that since I’m
orthostatic I won’t get to go to self select today. I hopefully can
though. Not like I can control my vitals.
I was able to go to self select and basically got
what I had yesterday. I went over by a starch and a fat and am
reasonably full from it. I’m just tired. I wish I could sleep.
I woke up last night to go to the bathroom and there
was this huge BOOK!! Scared me and took me awhile to get back to sleep
after that. I’m feeling the effects of that now.
I took about an hours nap before recreational
therapy (which was cancelled but Claire played a game with us). Met
with team and the Prozac will be upped to 10 mgs. tomorrow. No big
deal. I’m not feeling an ill effects from it.
Lunch was pretty good. I’m able to eat faster now I
think and even relax a little during meals. We were all joking around
at lunch and it makes things more relaxed and comfortable. I think it
is also nice to be able to laugh and to have things to laugh at again.
I talked to Sarah on a one on one, mostly about my
anxiety about not exercising. She basically made me realize that even
though I didn’t think I was exercising to burn calories, I was. Why
else would I have doubled up when I would miss a day? I never realized
that before.
Dinner was very filling tonight. It was very hard to
finish, but I did. Standing in line for the Swedish meatballs, a lady
behind in line saw my plate and said to her friend, “That’s a really
big serving, don’t you think?” It didn’t really bother me, but it was
frustrating to hear.
Melissa told me that the cashiers used to make
really mean comments to them like commenting on how much food one of
them had, etc. I guess someone from COPE with the right level of
authority called and complained to the right person. That would be so
frustrating to be on a weight gain program and hear that.
During visiting time, we got a new admit, a boy. His
name is Max and he is 16. He is so confused about everything and I’m
sure coming in late didn’t help. He said he doesn’t need to be here,
that he’s better. When he went into the hospital the first time, he
said he couldn’t walk or lift his arms. It could be interesting.
I’m excited about the outing tomorrow. I get some
stuff I really need and get OUT in the “fresh” air. I think tomorrow is
going to be a really fun day. I just hope I don’t compare myself to
other people too much. That’s the last thing I need.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Weight is up again to 41.7 kgs. I’ve almost gained a
kilogram and it’s only been about three complete days of self select.
Vitals: temp 99.2, b/p sitting 108/74 with 79 bpm, b/p standing 110/71
with 102 bpm. Orthostatic again today. They said I should still be able
to go on the outing though.
Breakfast was pretty good. My calories increased to
2200 today and I was a little concerned about eating on time. I still
went over a starch and a fat. I really need to stop doing that as my
calories go up it’s getting more difficult.
Team was awesome. I asked about a time frame
for discharge and told them I start college on the 25th, well, I move
in then. Dr. Wilson said there is no reason I shouldn’t be out by then.
She’s going to talk to Amy about setting me up with a therapist at
Kenyon. She also said she’s like to see me closer to 90% when I leave
since I’m not going to partial. EXCITEMENT!!
Lunch was pretty good. I finished pretty fast and
was still hungry afterwards but I”ll fill up at self select tonight.
It’s weird eating lunch with the kitchen so full. Snack was okay as
well. Self select will make up for the hungry feeling.
Had a scare about the outing. Some of the vans are
in the shop and we didn’t get one. So where ever we went we had to be
within walking distance. We’re not allowed to walk far, especially in
the heat.
We took the bridge to Montefiore and went to the
gift shop. I bought a couple of magazines: Psychology Today and the
National Enquirer. Then we went to CVS and I bought some envelopes, a
notebook, pens, and an Emory board.
Then, we walked a few blocks to a clothes store
called Rue 21 and I bought socks, two squishy pillows, and two shirts.
Next there was this University of Pittsburgh store and I bought a
matted picture of Pittsburgh. I had a lot of fun. Like a kid in a candy
store.
Dinner was hard. I went over and was so incredibly
full and bloated I didn’t finish one of my extra starches, but that’s
okay. I also took my first ever Mylacon and it seemed to help some.
After 3 pm snack, we went up to the gym and sis some
stretches. We even did crunches!! We also did basic stretching,
inner/outer leg lifts, and relaxation moves. It felt so good to be able
to exercise and o crunches.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Don’t have to worry about making weight for self
selection anymore. I was 41.9 this morning. Vitals: temp was 98.8, b/p
sitting was 99/71 with 78 bpm, b/p standing was 107/78 with 89 bpm.
YAY!! I’m not orthostatic today!! I’m a little concerned about this
quick weight gain. The quicker I gain the sooner I’ll get out of here.
I want to start college on time so I know what that takes.
Breakfast went okay. I went over a fat and a starch,
like usual. I’m really full afterwards though. I wasn’t this full after
breakfast for the past few days. I guess I’m still acclimating to
eating. I’m even getting tired after eating again.
At breakfast, we over some residents discussing
patients and their procedures. Jaime went over to talk to one of them
and got their chief residents name. They were just discussing all that
information for everyone to hear. That has to be illegal.
Lunch was BAD. All I had was baked rigatoni, a
salad, and my liquids but it was all SO filling. I cried when I was
done just because I was so full and nauseated and just sick in general.
Claire was nice and let me sit there for awhile to calm down and relax.
Clair and I also talked about how my aunt said
comments and my therapist and doctor seemed to be clueless about it.
Clair asked if I was going back to see either of them and I said I
didn’t plan on it. Also talked about delaying college for a year but I
don’t think I could do that.
She also told me not to worry about how much I was
eating, that it’s only temporary and that I’m still really thin. It’s
nice to hear “the truth” from people outside of family and friends.
From people who have nothing to gain and no interest at all. She said
it is hard for a person as small as me to eat so much, but I did good.
I felt so stupid for crying but I felt so incredibly bad.
After my C/O time, I went and took a nap. I probably
cried myself to sleep. I felt like such a baby and I still do. I’m just
so tired of being here. Not exercising, having to eat so much ,etc. I
don’t care if it’s temporary and I have to gain weight. It’s very
uncomfortable and makes me want to restrict even more.
Snack was okay. I had just woken up and felt better
physically. I can’t say I was hungry for snack, but I ate it without
much discomfort. It was hard, especially after the whole lunch thing. I
just don’t want to eat. I’m sick of it. I wish I could sign myself out.
Dinner was better than lunch. They had steamed
veggies so I didn’t have to do another salad. I finished before time
was up and was no where near as bloated as I was after lunch. Holly is
really nice and gives us a later starting time so we have more time to
eat.
I learned some things about Melissa similar to my
childhood. We talked and I shared some. It’s nice to have someone to
talk to, even if it’s about bad things. We all had a group hug before
we came back on the unit. It’s nice to know people really care.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Weight is up yet again to 42.1 kgs. Almost to 85%
already. My size 12's from Children’s Place are getting hard to get on,
but once I get home and tone up, it shouldn’t be a problem. Vitals:
temp 100, b/p sitting 112/69 with 85 bpm, standing 106/76 with 117 bpm.
Not only do I have a fever but I’m VERT orthostatic. Hopefully they’ll
let me exercise.
Breakfast was pretty good. I’m not big on breakfast
foods so I just keep getting the same things over and over again. I
know we’re not supposed to, that we should challenge ourselves, but I
really do not like most breakfast foods. I do pretty good though.
We went up to the gym and Melanie and I just
stretched for the whole time. It felt great. Even though I’m still a
bit sore from stretching on Friday, it felt great. Melanie is really
flexible. She does yoga. I might have to start yoga when I go home.
For creative arts, we all did a different DBT skill.
I had observe and I drew two big eyes and put glitter on them. It was a
lot of fun and everyone seems to like my eyes I made. That made me feel
good.
Lunch was still really hard today. I don’t know why
lunch at self select is so much harder than lunch on the unit, but it
is, a LOT harder. I feel so sick and nauseated. I hate it. I’m
seriously thinking of signing myself out. I don’t know how many days I
can do this. It’s just making me feel bad about myself and doubt that
I”ll be able to ever eat normally.
Snack was pretty good. I’m just so incredibly full
from lunch still. I fell like I’m eating so much, I don’t why today has
been so hard, but it has. I really want to go home. The more I think
about it, the more I want to sign myself out. To top things off, my
calories increase to 2400 tomorrow.
Dinner was a repeat of lunch yesterday. I too longer
than the allotted 30 mins and cried afterwards. It’s hard enough to
eat, but to eat when you’re already full is even harder. I want to sign
myself out so bad. I have until team tomorrow to decide.
I called dad and told him I was to sign myself out.
I even made a pro/con lists for it and there are more pros by far. He
doesn’t want me to sign myself out but he would come and get me if I
did. I feel like such a baby for crying. Melissa and Lesa gave me hugs.
It helps a little. I don’t know what to do.
I talked to Megan about it before snack. She said
she’s been thinking about signing out too. Good thing is snack went
better than I thought it would. I still feel like crap though. I don’t
know what I should do about it, but I guess I’ll sleep on it.
Holly talked to me. She told me not to stress about
it and to talk to team and the nutritionist tomorrow. Hopefully I can
change some of my exchanges to CS’s so it doesn’t seem like so much.
Holly said I’m almost out and not to quit now. She said I looked
worried and that made her worry since I’m usually pretty cheerful. It’s
nice to know that people here, staff and patients alike, really seem to
care about everyone here.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Weight is up a little to 42.2 kgs. One step closer
to getting to go home. Vitals: temp 99.3, b/p sitting 107/77 with 80
bpm, standing 104/71 with 91 bpm. Better than yesterday. Even though
I’m still super tired. I think yesterday exhausted me. I plan on
sleeping after breakfast.
Breakfast was hard, not as hard as the other meals
have been. There was no crying, well, just a little. I teared up a bit.
I get so anxious before meals now. I feel so nauseated even before I
start eating. I really need to talk to the nutritionist and make some
changes to my card.
Team was bad today. We talked about my struggling
this weekend and how talking with the dietician should fix some of
that. That bad part was them wanting to keep me for THREE more weeks,
even though Friday I was told I could leave before school started.
I called dad and we basically agreed that I can sign
myself out and he would come get me on Friday. I think that’s what I’m
going to do. I can’t miss school. That would cause I relapse for sure.
Amy, the social worker, talked to me and is urging
me to stay through orientation weekend and then start right in with
classes. I think that it’s going to be way to stressful and too rushed.
I want/need to get home.
Lunch was okay today. I finished it with plenty of
time left over. I’m pretty sure I’m leaving on Friday. I’m more calm
about everything and just don’t care. If I can finish it I will. If I
can’t, I’ll get a BCA. I’m not forcing myself anymore.
We went outside today and it was really nice out. I
was wearing my black pants, one of my new shirts, and my grey sweater.
Other people were out walking in shorts and a tank top. I feel so out
of place.
Snack went well. After coming in from outside I
worked with the dietician and changed my exchanges. Meals have been
easier since them. Even dinner. It could also be that I’m just more
calm about the whole thing since I’m going to be leaving.
I got lots of mail today. Three from dad, one from
Diana, and one from Diana in ABCD. I also called aunt to fill her in on
thins. All I have to do is tell team tomorrow. I’m nervous.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Well, I have reached 85%. I’m 93.5 lbs, 42.5 kgs. I
see no reason why I can’t leave Friday. It’s just another point to my
argument. Vital: temp 99.8, b/p sitting 108/71 with 79 bpm, b/p
standing 109/75 with 91 bpm. Slight temperature but not orthostatic so
it’s pretty good.
Breakfast went pretty good. I’m a little more full
than I thought I would be, but I’m nervous about talking to team later,
really nervous, so that probably has something to do with it as well. I
wish they would just discharge me Friday. I’m at 85%.
They brought dog today. It was a BIG dog. A
Newfoundland that weighed 135 lbs. I had a nice hour petting session.
It fell asleep, t was a real treat to see and pet the dog. It made the
easier, especially since I haven’t talked to team yet.
During adult process, Melissa talked about wanting
to leave on Friday for an appeals trial and Lesa talked about her mom.
It was better than the time we all just sat there. People talked and
gave advice. It was good.
Lunch was pretty good. I finished it without any
problem and was still a little hungry afterwards. I talked to the
doctor right before lunch and asked to be discharged on Friday or I
would sign myself out. He said he would talk to team about it.
I actually participated in movement therapy today.
It was okay. I liked moving even though the movements were kind of
lame, at least it’s moving.
I told Amy about leaving Friday and we didn’t have a
family session. Body image group went pretty good. We talked about how
we make out little flaws into something bigger than what is perceived
and don’t motive the good aspects.
Snack was okay. I was still hungry afterwards but
that is good. Maybe dinner will be easier. I fell asleep during
Distress Tolerance. We were supposed to practice half smiling to music.
Oh well, it was only for about 15 minutes. I felt better afterwards
though.
Dinner was better. Though I sed the entire 30
minutes to eat, I ate at a comfortable pace and didn’t rush or
anything. Just tried to do things as naturally as I could and it went
pretty well.
Claire and I talked at dinner about my aunt’s
comments about my appearance, my butt in particular. Claire said I have
a cute butt and it’s muscle and most Hispanics have butts, which is
what everyone seems to want now.
She also asked me how I broke my back and I told her
that it happened when I was abused. She asked if they ever went to jail
and I said I never told. She had asked if they had kicked me and I said
yes. I think that she said “Those fuckers” and said it was disgusting.
Everyone seems to think it was a huge, bad thing, but I still can’t see
it like that. Maybe some day soon.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Weight is stable today at 42.5 kgs. Considering the
fact that by yesterday I should have been 41.8 kgs to keep self select,
I don’t think it matters that it’s the same. Temp is 99.8, b/p sitting
is 107/74 with 85 bpm, and b/p standing is 114/78 with 103 bpm. Almost
orthostatic but not quite though.
Breakfast went pretty good. Finished with plenty of
time to spare, just like I like it. Meeting with team didn’t go as
smooth as I’d have liked. They were VERY adamant that I stay here and
that college would significantly increase the chance of a relapse. I
wish I could explain how stressful it would be to start late and how
that would be a 100% relapse.
I talked to Claire during one on one. She
understands what I’m saying and seem to agree with me, or at least
isn’t fighting me. She told me not to exercise when I first get out,
that it would be playing with fire. That’s going to be hard.
I had just finished with snack when Amy came in and
asked to talk to me. We went in my room and she basically said that
Kenyon won’t accept me if I don’t leave when they say. Since I would be
leaving against medical advice, I couldn’t go there. I am so
devastated. I want to scream because tears don’t seem to justify how I
feel.
Since I have already signed the papers to leave,
I’ll have to rescind. I don’t really see a reason to continue with
recovery. I came here so I could start college on time and have the
mind strength to do it. Now, I’ll be missing college and will probably
be check in on a lot as well.
Called Scott and we both cried. He says he’s going
to visit this weekend and ask Amy for extended visiting hours. I wish I
could be going home with him like we planned.
As I was starting to leave for self select, I was
told I couldn’t go because I had signed myself out. So that sent me
into another crying fit. Lauren came back and told me that she was
sorry that no one told me but that it was a hospital wide policy and to
just distract myself enough to get through dinner, which I guess I did.
Considering the circumstance, dinner went pretty
well. We all joked around and laughed. Everyone has been really
supportive and shares in my frustration. At least people here seem to
care, and that has to count for something.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
I don’t know if I'll make self select today. Weight is back down to
42.2 kgs. I’m sure I”ll hear it from team today, even though it’s
probably from stress because I’ve been eating everything I was supposed
to. Vitals: temp is 99.8 b/p sitting is 110/77 with 85 bpm, and bp/
standing is 116/82 with 100 bpm.
Breakfast was okay. I had a doughnut which was a big
mistake. It made me so nauseated. I actually ended up sleeping until
about 11 am when team wanted to talk to me. I felt sick even then.
Team was okay. They said I made the right decision
and that it’s for the best. We talked about how my weight needs to be
43.5 by Tuesday, which is a lot to gain in that short of time, so I’ll
guess well have to see how that works.
Lunch was even worse. I went about 10 minutes over
the time limit because I was still so nauseated from breakfast.
Hopefully someone can give me something, meds, ideas, whatever it takes
me make me feel better.
Well, I slept after lunch as well. I was awaken at
twenty til three and asked if I wanted to go outside, which I did. I
sat outside and read my mail. I got one from Robert and one from little
Emily Bingham. That was exciting.
I also got two more calorie increases. One for 2900
that starts the 21st and one for 3150 that starts the 24th. Unless I
stop gaining weight, I”ll stop at 3150. Let’s hope for that.
Friday, August 19, 2005
My weight did a huge jump. It was 43 kgs even. I
must have been dehydrated yesterday or something.
Okay, I am now writing at about 11:30 pm. It was a
long day. I was sick. My highest temperature was 101 and b/p was
something like 133/88. I didn’t go to self select for breakfast. I just
had some gingerale.
I slept a lot today but I tried to do the best I
could calorie wise. I ate all of my snacks, both times, but none of the
actual meals were 100% finished.
Dad came!! It was so nice to see him. He said that
even with my fever I look better than I did before. Even others were
commenting how bad I looked. Finally got some Tylenol for the fever and
before bed it was 99.7, normal for me lately.
Everyone here was really supportive, patients and
staff included. I was worried they would think I was faking it, but my
vitals back me up.
I was really dizzy this morning and staff would walk
with me to make sure I was okay. They also let me sleep for most of the
day, which was great.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Well, it’s 11:30 pm as I start this. I was sick
again today. Temperature was 100.4 this morning. I guess team didn’t
like me not eating 100% yesterday so I had to eat all my calories
today, though we could switch around the exchanges.
I drank mostly liquids all day, but IO kept them
down. I threw up a little bit after breakfast. Then I was told if I
threw up again it would be an eating disorder behavior and that I
needed to learn to control it.
Dad visited twice today and the first time I
basically slept through. I had just finished a turkey sandwich, which
was VERY hard, and I Felt really sick.
By the second visit I was a lot better. I’m glad he
came and we also have the visiting from 1-2:45 pm tomorrow, which I’m
looking forward too.
Temperature was 99.4 before bed. The lowest in a
while. Wonders what drinking and sleeping all day can do. Weight was
down to 42.5 kgs but hopefully I can get it up to 43.5 by Tuesday to
keep self select. If no, oh well.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Today is just a bad day. I still feel really sick.
My temperature was 99.4 but it jumped to 100.7 before lunch. Dad came
at 1 pm and I slept through most of the visit. I feel so about it.
Weight was up 0.2 kgs. To 42.7 kgs.
The dog came today. The little Jack Russell Terrier.
I didn’t really feel all that good so I didn’t pet her a lot. I wish I
felt better.
I almost got sick after lunch. Lot’s of loud dry
heaves in the bathroom. I hope no one heard. I don’t want to trigger
anyone. Nothing really came up though, just saliva.
They drew blood as well. That was after lunch and
after my almost throwing up. The lady who took my blood was really good
at it. It only hurt a tiny big and when she was dine, it didn’t hurt at
all. It was kind of cool because they put the blood in a vile with
other liquids in it as well. Never had that done before.
Dad got home safe and I called and talked to aunt. I
told her I wasn’t feeling well and everything. She seemed happy to hear
from me. I really miss her.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Weight was up to 43 kgs. today. By tomorrow, to keep
self select, I have to be 43.5 kgs. It’s possible, by not probable. My
temperature was 99.4 this morning. Better than it has been.
I went to self select for breakfast. It was really
hard but I finished everything in the time limit. I still don’t feel
good but I wanted to push myself. Maybe it was a bad idea.
I couldn’t finish all my lunch. I had half of a
grilled cheese sandwich left but I drank a Resource instead. Then I got
a BCA for it. Even though team had told me that I could keep switching
my exchanges like I had this weekend.
I also couldn’t finish all of my snack, which got me
another BCA. I talked to Lauren about it and told her that team said it
was okay and after lunch I talked to Donette and she said it was fine
as long as I got all of my calories. Lauren said she believes me but
since it wasn’t written down anywhere to just go with it.
Before going back for dinner, I saw Donette and
asked her whether I could use Resource as a replacement and she said
yes. Lauren was there and asked her to write it down because I had
gotten another BCA for it.
Everyone is kind of upset I got BCA’s for being sick
basically. It’s really stupid. Not like I can change it or anything.
I finally saw Bella and she said it was probably a
GI infection and could last for TEN days. She said she’d recommend not
drinking any dairy and making up the calories. I was told this after
snack. Everyone is saying the same thing, just not telling anyone else.
At least she ordered some lab work done for tomorrow and an
anti-emetic.
What a day. Temperature was up to 100.7.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I didn’t make weight for self select today. I was
supposed to be up to 43.5 kgs and was only up to 43.1 kgs. Only up 0.1
kgs form Friday. Considering I’ve been sick and gain is a good one.
Breakfast was pretty bad. I took the anti-emetic
about ten minutes before and it didn’t kick in in time. I said I would
drink a Resource, which I did.
Jan seems to think that this is just my ED now and
that I’ve taken it too far and just don’t want to eat. That pissed me
off. She said if she has it her way I’ll get a BCA even though I’m
doing what I was told to do.
I talked to team about it and they said that I
wouldn’t get a BCA and that when that changes I’ll be the first to
know. They said they know I’m not feeling well and my temperature has
been elevated etc. At least they are understanding.
I had my blood drawn again today. About four vials
worth. I just wish something would show up so I don’t have to defend
myself to staff when I’m just doing what I was told to me.
They took a urine sample when I first woke up this
morning. Wonder when I”ll gt the results and it anything is going on
with me physically.
I threw up today after the family session. Most of
it came out my nose and it was really disgusting, but I felt better
almost instantly afterwards. I just hope it stays gone now that I’ve
gotten sick.
I was able to eat 100% at snack but the time limit
was almost an issue. I think I was able to finish in time. Was still a
tad nauseated during it, but feeling much better by that time.
Dinner was okay. I get a potluck which included egg
salad and pineapple, neither of which I like that much. I was able to
eat it all though. I’m really proud of that.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Weight went down to 43 kgs even again. Vitals as a
whole are normal and my temperature is about 99.4. I still feel a
little nauseated this morning, but not as bad.
Breakfast was bad. I couldn’t finish it all and
wanted to change it for liquids but could only change it for a Resource
so I drank it. I must have drank it too fast again because I got sick.
More than yesterday. I had to drink another Resource and just sipped
it.
I couldn’t finish lunch either and got a BCA this
time. I just wish I could go home. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I
am being punished for being sick. Not to mention I am so extremely
anxious before meals.
I wish I could go home and to go college but they
wouldn’t accept me and at my current temperature they wouldn’t accept
me anyway. I hate being so emotional all the time here, but I guess
they’re used to it during the refeeding program.
I finished the rest of my meals on time. Okay,
dinner was a tad over, but not much and I didn’t get a BCA for it. I’m
so happy that I was able to finish everything It’s made me a little
less anxious but I’m still glad to be starting the anxiety mediation
tonight.
Man did Zyprexa knock me out. I’m sitting at HS
snack and I got SO tired! I stayed up until 11 then went to sleep. I
was exhausted.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Weight is up to 43.1 this morning. Nothing drastic.
My vitals were weird. My pulse went from 70 or 80 bpm up to 133 bpm!!
That’s a HUGE jump!! I’m a little dizzy, but not that dizzy.
Breakfast was okay. I almost took the entire 45
minutes to finish. Just not used to eating so much actual food I guess.
I was able to finish everything though, which is good. Then I took a
nap. I’ve been napping a LOT lately.
We had Spa Day today after lunch. I got to soak my
feet and hands, but felt kind of guilty taking time to do things like
that for myself. I also gave Megan a back massage with a dolphin
massage thing. It was fun and she said I did a good job.
Lunch and the rest of the meals went a lot better
today. I finished all of them with time to spare. Dinner and snacks
were much closer to the time limit, but I still finished. That means
I’ve had roughly 3150 calories today. Hard to believe that since I was
eating a little more than that in a WEEK!!!
Talk to the dietician today and planned an increase
for Sunday, 3400 calories. She said that she thinks my metabolism has
increased so she’s nothing I’ll gain weight easily unless we up the
calories. Anything to get out!! She also told me that for every degree
the temperature is elevated, the metabolism increases by seven percent.
That’s a lot.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Weight is way up this morning to 44.1, which is
about 97 lbs. I haven’t weighed that much in over a year. Since there
are no mirrors, it’s a lot easier to deal with it psychologically.
Temperature was down to 98.1.
Yesterday was kind of hard because I would have been
moving into college. The Pitt students were moving in yesterday and it
was difficult to see them all piling into Peterson knowing I should be
at Kenyon.
Breakfast was pretty good today. I finished with
plenty of time to spare. Sarah took us so we talked the whole time,
which is good. It keeps everyone distracted and time seems to go by so
fast, I am comfortably full, but I probably could have are a little
more.
Team is now saying they don’t know when I’ll get
discharged because my weight gain has slowed due to being sick. This is
really starting to piss me off. They need to make up their minds. I
have to plan a lot of things and now knowing when isn’t helping that at
all.
Lunch was pretty good. Mac and cheese. I finished
pretty quickly compared to how fast I normally eat. I’ve been hungrier
today that I used to be. Maybe my body is getting used to eating and
wants to eat more. Weird that at 3150 calories I’m still hungry.
The outing was great! We went to Target and I spent
about $140. I bought two DVD’s “The Pacifier” and “Ice Princess.” I
also bought some Boo Boo pajamas, some glitter pants, as well as a
kids’ small skirt with a matching shirt. Also bought some pencils,
erasers, and other stuff for college. Very exciting.
The rest of the meals were great. I felt rushed at
the 3 pm snack because we got back late and I didn’t want to hold
everyone up[. Dinner and HS snack went well. It was a good day all
around.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
My weight is stable, which is better than losing.
Interesting thing happened during vitals. I got the white dots and
passed out, twice. Staff only saw it once but I got help back from self
select. My temperature went from 99 before the fall to 100.1 after the
fall. It has made me kind of worried because it hadn’t happen in so
long.
I ate breakfast in the kitchen instead of going over
to self select Presbyterian University Hospital (PUH). All things
considered I think that was best. I did good, just nervous about the
fall earlier. I wish I knew why it happened. Trying to keep myself
relaxed about it. If it’s stress or anxiety related. I don’t want to
cause another one.
Lunch was pretty good. I had fallen asleep in group
right before. I don’t know why I’ve been so tired lately. Everyone
tells me it’s normal though. I hope it goes away soon. It seems all I
do is sleep and eat. I’ve never slept so much before.
Sarah left today. She signed herself out to go to
college. I’m kind of jealous. She’s maybe at 75% and she’s going to
college. I’m now at 88% and can’t go to college until I get discharged.
I wish my college would let me go at my current weight.
We watched “Ice Princess” tonight. I liked it. Then
again, I like all figure skating movies and it had some ED
conversations as well, which I didn’t know. I was afraid Lauren would
make us turn it off, but she didn’t. She seemed to enjoy it.
During my shower I noticed that my stomach has
become distended. It freaked me out but I’m trying to keep in mind it’s
normal during refeeding and will go away.
When I leave, I can shape my body how I want it, but
I need to gain the muscle first. I kind of look pregnant. I hate it, a
lot. No wonder team asked about intercourse....
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I am so excited this morning. Weight is up to 44.8
kgs. And I need to be 45 kgs to get discharged. Team was worried I
wouldn’t gain it in time to leave Saturday, guess I showed them. They
said a week to a week and a half more and I did it in three to four
days. YAY!!!
Breakfast was good. I was so hungry. I had two hash
browns, Frosted Flakes, bread with butter, milk juice and water. I went
over by a starch and a fat. I was comfortably full when I was done. I
can’t believe that I had 3150 calories and was hungry. Today the
calories are up to 3400 so maybe I won’t be as hungry today.
The dog came today. The same dog that came last week
and left fleas. Everyone said it stunk, but I can’t smell anything,
which may be a good thing. I wish it stayed longer than fifteen
minutes. It feels so good to pet the pooches every week.
For creative arts we colored coffee filters and wet
them to make the colors run together. Then we wrinkled it together in
the middle and put a clothespin on it. It makes a butter fly. I don’t
like mine. Other peoples turned out really neat. I’m just heard on
myself I guess. Maybe that’s something else I can work on.
Lunch was good. I went over a CS and was full
afterwards. I had mac and cheese and it was good. It is definitely a
weak point of mine. I was really full afterwards though.
Snack was okay. Too may fluids. I had forgotten I
have milk at snack now. Oh well. I finished it with time to spare. I
just hope I have room for dinner. A little worried about that.
We got to go outside today!! It was really nice to
go outside again. The weather is nice but really bright. The sun used
to not bother me but I guess since I haven’t been outside on a regular
basis I’ve become sensitive to it.
Dinner was hard. I was still full from lunch and
snack. I finished it all without too much difficulty but I felt so
bloated and distended afterwards. I really hate this feeling after
meals. I hope it goes away soon. I feel like I look like I’m pregnant.
We have a new admit named Nikki. She’s 12 and I
believe she was sexually abused by her dad. She was asking Melissa if
she did thinks with the security guards in the elevation. I wish I
could help her in some way, but I know I can’t.
Still no college schedule.
Monday, August 29, 2005
No big weight change today. Only up 0.1 to 44.9
kgs., but it’s only 0.1 kgs away from my discharge weight. Hopefully
I’ll reach it tomorrow. I want to leave ASAP because college classes
start today and the less I miss the better.
Breakfast was good. Sarah took us and the time goes
fast when she takes us. We talk and laugh and it makes eating non
stressful and almost enjoyable. I like going to breakfast with Sarah.
She and Holly are the best to go with.
I got six pieces of mail today!! Three from dad, one
from Diana, one from Jackie, and one from Tatiana. So much mail makes
me feel really good and makes me want to get out even more. It should
be soon. I should know by the end of the day when I should be leaving,
according to team.
I’m leaving Friday, September 2nd. I’ll go shopping
for the cooking session tomorrow and will do the meal session sometime
this week as well. I can’t wait to leave and see the sights. Then
Saturday, we can head home nice and early.
Still no college schedule, not until WPIC tells them
I am medically cleared. I did find out that my North Central State
College credits will transfer, which is great!! All of this just makes
me more and more excited to go to college.
Snack was okay. I finally got Rice Krispie Treats
again which was nice. I also had ice cream as my CS, which worked out
good. I’m still hungry though. I find it so weird that I’m hungry on
3400 calories a day.
The Kenyon thing is turning into a big mess. I no
longer have a dorm, but they said that won’t be a problem. I just hope
I get the refrigerator unit I paid for. Also, my classes aren’t
scheduled because times have switched, they don’t want me in some
classes, etc.
I’m supposed to email Professor Smolak about setting
up a meeting with her and with the Dean of Academic Advising to get
everything straightened out. I’m starting to get stressed. I don’t even
have a room there. So stressed.
I tried to call Diana, not think that it is Monday
and she is at dance. So I called Jackie on her cell phone. I told her
to tell the girls not to send me any more mail because I’m leaving on
Friday. Jackie gave the phone to Diana and said she had a “special
phone call.” She sounded pleasantly surprised to hear my voice.
She asked how I was, where my wight was at and how
long it’s been since I was at that weight. She had the girls say, “Hi
Sophie.” It was a really nice feeling. It made up for the fact that she
mentioned my weight to and the girls could hear it a littler easier to
tolerate.
After snack I talked to Lauren about how I was
hungry after meals and that I was sweating a LOT at night. She said to
let night staff know if I’m sweating a lot because it’s a sign of a
hyper-metabolic state. Hoping to talk to the dietician tomorrow and get
something worked out.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Weight is stable at 44.9 kgs. I guess that’s better
than losing. I went back to bed after the weigh in. I had a headache
and was still sleepy. I felt a little better when I woke up. I called
dad and told him my weight was stable.
I went shopping today for the cooking session later
on tonight. It was good to get off the unit and out in the real world.
I’m making mac and cheese, salad with dressing, Pringles, Cookies ‘N
Cream bar, juice, and milk. YUMMY!!
I got to email Professor Smolak about the scheduling
of my classes and appointments. I will probably be down to the “school
room” every day until I catch up on my college email and get her reply.
Cooking went pretty good. I’m not really scared to
eat anymore, just not used to the amount I ate. I had about a half a
box of shells and cheese, salad with ranch dressing, Pringles, and a
Hershey’s Cookies ‘N Creme bar along with milk, juice and water. I feel
like I ate so much more than usual.
I called dad around 6:45 pm and he told me my first
semester schedule. I have everything I wanted. Isn’t that
awesome?!?!?!? I am so excited, but scared as well as I start classes
on Monday.
I color coded the weekly planner in the relapse
prevention part of the big workbook. Since I know classes and times, it
was easy and fun. I even colored meals and allotted times for weight
lifting. Today was a good day.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
My weight is up to 45.5 kgs today. I’ve definitely
reached my discharged weight of 45 kgs. I am now in the triple digits
and to be honest, I am kind of flipping out inside. I haven’t weighed
this much in over a year, WELL over a year actually. It’s scary,
especially not being able to exercise and maintain the proportions I
had before I came here.
Breakfast was good. I’m still hungry though. I don’t
get how I can be hungry on 3400 calories a day, but I am. It’s been a
long week with all the stress around school and stuff. Maybe that’s why
I’m hungry.
I always seem to get tired about one pm lately. I
wonder if it’s the Zyprexa. Jan said it probably is. I should start
taking that at night when I start college so I’m not dragging during
classes.
I called Sophia today, from TF and talked for
awhile. She said not to come back to the site for awhile, to get
adjusted first. They all have been wondering how Scott has my ID and
password. I’ll have to clear that up if need be when I get home.
I found out that Scott ordered the “Inner Harvest”
book for me and it’s waiting at my house!! He said it’s been there for
awhile, since I was going to sign myself out, Things were so hectic
forgot to mention it.
I was suppose to start my period today and I haven’t
yet. A little concerned about that because I’m on the pill and have
been eating right. It’s just really weird to me. Maybe it will start
tomorrow.
Thursday, September 1, 2005
Weight is up again today to 45.7 kgs. I’m not as
concerned about it today since I know I will be going home tomorrow and
able to do ankle weights. I have every intention of taking them to
college with me.
I still haven’t started my period and I’m getting a
bit concerned. This is very unusual for me since I started the pill.
I’ve always started on the fourth day of the inactive pill. This is
weird.
I started my period right before breakfast.
Breakfast was okay. I tried some chocolate brownie/cake thing. It was
really rich. I only had a few bites of it. I’m not a big chocolate
person.
I’m really worried about the meal session today. I
haven’t heard of any of the restaurants and I hate eating out. I am so
anxious I’m starting to feel sick, but not the kind of sick I was last
week. I ate this. I’m so nervous.
My watch broke today at breakfast. It’s probably
because I propped it up every night to read it. At least I’m leaving
tomorrow and can get a new one. So much to do, so many things to buy,
and not to mention this meal session.
Amy said we should get menus ahead of time to look
at, even though yesterday staff told me that it would be good exposure
to do it without knowing what is there. I mentioned in team I was
anxious and afterwards Amy told Claire we needed menus. YAY!!
I went downstairs to use the internet and I had 22
college emails since I checked it yesterday. My meeting with Dean
Martindell is Monday at 2:30 pm and with Professor Smolak Monday at
8:45 ish. Just need to get everything bought and packed up.
The meal session went better than I thought it
would. We went to Qdoba which is a Mexican restaurant. I had three
tacos and that sounded for all of my exchanges. Then we went to Eckards
and I bought Toostie Rolls to eat, just for an extra. Haven’t had those
in awhile.
When I got back, I had a really bad headache and was
able to take some Tylenol. Then I ended up sleeping until snack time.
It was nice to sleep and my headache was gone when I woke up.
Dinner was really good. Turkey, mashed potatoes,
gravy, and veggies. And the sugar cookie. Can’t forget that. It was
really tasty and I’m full from it, but it’s a good full. I’m glad I
picked the turkey instead of the chicken. My last dinner at PUH was a
good one.
Friday, September 2, 2005
My weight actually fell to 45.5 kgs again this
morning. No big though. I feel good this morning. Wearing my new shirt
from Rue 21 and my hair down. Lauren C. gave me a big hug and told me
to keep up the good work and get the therapy I need. Lucia told me that
I looked great.
Breakfast was good. I had my usual hash browns and
pancakes. Molly made self select and was with us as well. It was a nice
no-stress last meal as a COPE patient.
Dad came up and sat while I was packing. I got two
cards, one from Megan H. And one from Jen. It’s so hard leaving. It’s
been my home for over a month. Packing didn’t take long. I actually
left earlier than the 11 am “earliest” leaving time.
When we were in the parking lot, I looked up at the
window and Megs was waving good-bye. That was really hard. I teared up.
She was my roommate for the last month. I hated to leave her. We had
become so close. I’m going to miss her.
We went back to the hotel, the same one I had stayed
at five weeks before. We got checked in and I realized I had left my
new DVD’s at COPE. We walked back and got them. We also took a picture
of me outside on the WPIC steps. It felt so good to get out and
walk.
We walked all over. We walked to Subway and for the
first time ever I got a Meatball sub. It was SOOOO good. I can’t
believe I had avoided it for so long. It had a lot of calories, which
is why, but compared to how much I was eating there, 500 calories in
one sitting was a piece of cake!!
We took pictures around Pittsburgh. I bought a
Pittsburgh shirt I plan on taking with me to college. Just another
reminder of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. It’s pink and white.
It’s pretty.
We also went to Point State Park and took pictures
there. I did a cartwheel. It was probably really bad form since I
hadn’t done that in a LONG time. But I just had so much energy. I felt
on top of the world. Can you blame me?
We went to the top of Mount Washington and took
pictures of Pittsburgh from there. It was so BEAUTIFUL!! It looked just
liked the postcards I had seen. We walked to the different overlooks to
take pictures at different angles. More things to scrapbook.
Tomorrow we go back to Mount Vernon and I start
getting packed and moving into college. I start classes on Monday. Wish
me luck!!
May 29, 2006
Well, it's almost been a year since the dreaded IP
stay. I am happy to report I am at a stable weight, 104-108 lbs, and
I'm okay with it. I have a workout schedule I follow so I stay in shape
and toned without having to resort to drastic measures.
My first year of college also went well. I did get a
lot of gastrointestinal illnesses, but I got through them. I ended the
year with a 3.2 GPA. I can't say I'm ecstatic about my GPA, but I
copmleted my freshman year with above a "B" average. People were
telling me I couldn't make it through college straight out of IP,
especially starting late, but I did, and I did well.
Thanks for reading this and being behind me. It's been a
long year, but it's been made easier with all the people who supported
me, and you know who you are.
Thanks Again